It’s not even a week into my new 60-day fitness program and I am already fighting to stick through the hard points of my workouts and say no to every chocolate bar, energy drink and french fry within a 20-mile radius.
You see, I have a nasty little voice inside my head, who I’ve named Shamedrea, or “Sham” for short. Shamedrea is the manifestation of all of my nightmares, my fears, my stress, my enemies – she’s everything bad in my past, present and possible future; she’s really quite a terrible entity. And unfortunately for me, Shamedrea has me wrapped around her little bitchy finger. She has an uncanny ability to instill me with self-doubt, drag me down detrimental paths of self-loathing, depression, and, naturally, shame.
For years, Shamedrea has whispered to me in the darkness.
“You’re not good enough! Are you crazy? You are fat. You are ugly. No one will love you. You look stupid in that costume … You’re too dumb to get that job … No one likes you … You’re a bitch … You will always be a failure … It’s YOUR fault … You will never succeed … Everyone is out to get you … You will always be overweight … You can never be happy.”
Over the past two decades, Shamedrea’s been right a few times about a few things. I haven’t had an entirely happy life, but I’m not starving, I’m happily married, and I have a warm bed and a family who loves me. But after a childhood of ridicule and a slew of bad relationships, some that have left me permanently scarred, it’s hard to completely shut her out.
Today I was halfway through my 45-minute weightlifting workout when Shamedrea poked her nasty little head into mine. You see, last night I had wicked foot cramps, which are due to my plantar fasciitis, but triggered by tight hamstrings. When I came upon the lunge section, it was painful and tough and I kind of just collapsed onto the floor, feeling defeated. Shamedrea was whispering to me about how I sucked and to just skip the last two sections to head straight to stretching and moving on with my day. And for a moment, I did – I skipped, laid down, and took a breath.
But then I realized,
WHAT AM I DOING?
I’m letting some stupid voice in my head control my happiness, my health and my success. I’ve never had a problem confronting people in real life – ask ANYBODY – but I am letting this “evil twin” run me over. It was enough.
I sat up and said to myself, “Stop being a little bitch and finish your workout.”
And sure as anything, I pushed through an excruciating shoulders and abs session to actually earn my stretch.
So here it is, for everyone to see.
I’m done listening to you, Shamedrea. You are a sham, and you are no longer in control of my life. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and focusing on what others have instead of myself. It’s time to realize that I can only be happy when I am happy with myself and my life. I may not be as thin, smart, or rich, but I am me, and there’s only one.
This may be a daily struggle but I am ready to do battle, and I have a fearsome warrior to fight for me.