My Pathfinder Initiative: A Road Bump (Month 3)

Today marks twenty-five days past my self-imposed deadline for the next entry in the Pathfinder Initiative I began to better my life. I’ve managed to nearly skip an entire month, and as the days stretch, I feel the increasing pressure to produce something for accountability. (IT’S WORKING!) Unfortunately, I’ve attempted the entry a dozen times, and I can’t seem to get past the lede.

IT’S OKAY, I say more to myself than to any readers. I have been here before, and I can get out. My mind is a tangled mess of webs, wires, and carbohydrates; it gets pretty crazy in there, and I get lost in deep thought very quickly. I also have an overactive imagination, and a pretty critical, evil inner voice (Shamedrea) who tends to translate my environment into a twisted wasteland. This manifestation of my anxiety and depression can be utterly crippling, and it’s not something I’ve wrestled with since I started. Quite frankly, I was unprepared and knocked squarely onto my back.

In January, I was ready to attack the year with renewed ferocity. We finished our second round of the Core de Force workout program and began a mixed schedule, which incorporates several other programs into an entire month of exercise sessions. Tl;dr it didn’t work for me. After celebrating quick loss in the months prior, my body ran face-first into a giant plateau and refused to budge. This instantly triggered my inner critic, and my confidence tanked. I also injured my back and shoulder, which created more stress since I struggle with being limited.

When combined with increased anxiety about our upcoming vacation; the minutia of running a restaurant; two high-energy and high-maintenance puppy dogs; tax-related garbage; and the apparent descent of our democracy into darkness – yeah, I was a fucking mess. 

Waking up every day to the latest “WTAF?” news reels has been detrimental to my mental health. I’m so disheartened and angry about the state of affairs in our country. I feel helpless and ashamed. And mostly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being shocked and disgusted, tired of the antics, and tired of waiting for action to be taken. I don’t know what to do about the world, but I’m at the point where I just want to stop the ride and get off before I throw up.

Anxiety and depression seem to have a firm hold on me right now. I don’t want to socialize, but I’m not at ease on my own. I feel drained on a daily basis. I’m more stressed than excited about our vacation next week, and I just want to crawl under a blanket to hide from the world.

santameCue pull-myself-up-by-the-pants moment.

I have no brilliant transition at this point. I know I can’t keep wallowing. I want you to know that right now I’m struggling, but I’m not giving up on this path. Last month, I made major forward movement on organizing our house. Over the last week, I’ve seen movement on the scale again. I can see the light, even if only a dim, muddled view. So thank you for asking, thank you for reading. Thank you for continuing to support me with your texts, puppy photos, and hugs. I am so lucky to know you.

I won’t be writing a traditional Month 3 post, but I have the Month 4 (February wrap-up) blog started and plan to get back on schedule after our vacation.

Cheers to happier thoughts, and here’s looking to a much-needed trip for the soul. <3

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